not_that_strong

not_that_strong @ 2006-09-05T06:33:00

2006-09-05T11:53:18Z

We both don't know it will end.
And if he ever really knew me, he'd now I'm in just as much pain.
Maybe even worse cause I KNOW why it's over.
I didn't sleep last night.
My hands are still shaking
I'm still not hungry.
Damn,
I didn't even say anything.
What was up with that?
God! no one has been through this.
It's all messed up.
I'm not even sure of helf the things I said last night night were the whole truth,
Or what I meant for them to mean...
And it was all taken so litterally.
And you know, I dunno.
Maybe I WILL hold if off to late without knowing it.
And maybe it will be too late.
But thats not what I'm planning on.
I'm planning on I guess, asking for forgivness when I can be happy with myself when I'm with him.
And maybe that really will be too late.
And in that case, if it is.
I be alone and always know what we had.
And that is was real.
Shit.
Its ALREADY too late.
He fucking ENDED it last night.
I just read he refuses to ever come back....
But, when I know I'm ready... There will be no holding back in trying to get him back...If hes not married. Or well who knows...
Something doesn't feel right.
I
am scared.
I can't explain this anymore. And if he were the one and reading this right now, he'd know exactly how I feel.
I'll never go too far.
And if he does.
I'll run to him, I swear it.
I don't want to go to school today....

It's in my wallet

2006-08-23T21:07:13Z

It's in my wallet.
In that secret pocket.
MY confessions, that I won't keave in an anonomous blog comment on lj.
I'll have a heart attack I feel if this pain keeps on.
Really. What went wrong, if I always said it was right.
I'm being a selfish fool.
But I can't let this go.
Stubborn my ass.
It's my life and I refuse to have anger towards you for not letting me live.
I loved you too much to let that happen.
I still love you.
I think you're making yourself forget about me way too fast.
I think you wanted us to be over.
And thats why you don't seem to care anymore.
The next time I see you don't be surprised if I run away.
You hurt.
Just to know you're around.
The phone is the worst.
I'm sick of feeling so bad.
Today is the worst.
The 23rd.
So I'll sit here in solitude.
by myself.
Go from her face to yours back and forth.
Till the pain gets to be too much.
And I'll think of different acts that you and her can share.
And I'll think of how much my life is fucked up.
And how I did it all.
I think of everything I have ever shared with you.
And it's just being put in the dark corner of you life, heart, soul.
Nothing seems to matter.
And you might as well be stabbing me with every greathe you take.
Cause honestly.
I'd rather be dead.
Scuicide is lame.
I'll never go back to that.
What I mean is.
i love you

The last supper. I mean!! The last phone call...

2006-08-22T20:36:57Z

Theres no telling when the next time will be.
Theres no telling who we'll meet.
Theres no telling ...
Theres no telling how much I'll cry.
Theres no telling how perfect she is.
Theres no telling how much better off you are, now.
Theres no telling how lonely I'll be.
Theres no telling how many more smiles you'll leave me to be jealous of.
Theres no telling how much more time will have to pass in order for things to be okay, in my small small world..
There are times when I can forget about it all
Those times are short.
And well-missed.
I often think of a soft piano when I think of you.
Just before the song gets to the sweet love lyrics..
Beautiful?
yes.
She is really scary.
How shes so perfect? you know?
And now.
I can't and won't let him pass this up.
He's always wanted a girl like her.
And I wasn't ever anything close.
Some weird attatchment, I guess.
yeah. I thought I was weird.
But, you know.
I'm no buddhist.
Probably didn't even spell it right...
But live and let live, is all I have to say today.
If they were meant to be, it will work out for them.
And if we were.
we always were.

always

Rayburn= VERY bad-Memorial= Atleast I have friends...

2006-08-21T21:06:26Z

Can you believe it?
Parents.
Give you a roof + ~~love.~~
And then when you know you'll be happier someplace else.
They let you CRASH & BURN.
I wanted SO BADLY to go to Memorial this Semester.
And I know I'll be happier there.
But my parents think I should get my license and try Rayburn till Winter.
But NO.
I don't want to.
I know I'll be better off somewhere else.
I want to take the cullinary class.
I want to start off the year with the same teacheres.
((I'm so hungry))
okay.
One MORE change.
I'll get my license this Friday or next Monday.
And thats no guaruntee that I'll be driving alone right then anyway.
Why is ~~everything~~ getting so messed up?
Why can't I keep my "eye on the prize"?
You know?
Why do things have to change?
Why do certain inhibitions have to pop up out of nowhere,
And cause everything I've ever wanted to disappear.
I'm really just done.
I'm alone.
And that's kinda how I want things to be for a while.
I'm alright.
And I can handle things now.
On my own.
Really.

Could it be anymore perfect? =/

2006-08-19T13:54:34Z

Alright.
The meaning ofmy profile name is plain as day. Somedays I just don't feel strong enough to do what I need to do. And I'd rather give in but that would only lead to more distruction. And honestly, I don't know how I feel. I want to be able to get through this next year with no problems...but I'm sure I won't. And, idk. I guess I want to have "fun" (what ever that means)this next year...
I can have my license by wed. or thurs.
-Hannah